Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Pennsylvania ploppings prevent pupils pooping

This story is so roll-on-the-floor uproarious that I'm crossposting this piece to both the 'Pail and the long-neglected TNT, so hang on to your face...

According to the Pottsville Republican & Herald, Mahanoy Area High School in Mahanoy City, Pennsylvania, has been overpowered by toilet troubles lately. Vandalism in the boys' restrooms has become so pervasive that the school will now only issue toilet paper by request. One parent spoke out against this new policy of requiring students to visit the office to get toilet paper and sign for it.

"We've had serious destruction to our bathrooms for the past 2 years," the principal said. "We have a case pending with the police where a bathroom down by our gymnasium was absolutely destroyed." He said that "our toilets have been jammed with toilet paper and other papers. And after we took the toilet tissue out of there, people were throwing books." But he added that the new policy has "cut down on the destruction."

There ya have it, peeps. Folks put books in the toilet bowls at school - a full generation after Brossart popularized this pastime. Damn, I feel old! Also, it's unclear what the principal meant by "other papers." Newspapers? Medical records? Baseball cards?

What does this story say about our society? It says that the more things change, the more ploppings stay the same! Ploppings flourished while I was listening to Men At Work records and playing Space Invaders - and ploppings continue in the era of YouTube and Xbox. Hilarity never goes out of style!

Friday, June 1, 2012

Libraries are schools for adults

Do you think it's a real barrel of laughs when kids act up at school, but you're too old to go to school yourself? Well, there's a place for you! It's called the public library.

The libe is a whole new vista of opportunity for Myoflex-slathered geezers like me who yearn for our youth. Whatever your age or station in life, you can misbehave at the library and witness the hilarious outcome of others' hijinks.

After the Opening Day parade recently, I dropped by the Cincinnati Public Library to use the tinkletorium. This visit to the johndola reaped an uproarious payout. I discovered somebody had completely covered the toilet seat with toilet paper and peed on it - leaving urine-soaked toilet paper clinging to the seat.

This gambit has a long, honorable history but never gets old. Perhaps my earliest memory of it was 28 years ago when I was in 5th grade. As at the libe recently, somebody covered the toilet seat in the boys' restroom with bathroom tissue and allowed pee to coat it. The teacher threatened to press her "board of education" into service if the allegation proved to be true - which it was, but no suspects could be indicted.

Just a few days ago, I again used the johnnypot at the Cincinnati Public Library. This time, I noticed somebody had placed toilet paper on the floor and urinated on it.

O, to be an adult again!

Thursday, September 29, 2011


Ladies and gentlemen, high school students of all ages, are you ready for more laughs?

It's Cincinnati's Oktoberfest - but we call it Ploptoberfest because the toilets get clogged every single year, without fail. It took place again a couple weeks ago, but it was so damn ploppy that we have to keep the hilarity on the frontburner.

In past years, people have thrown pants and beer bottles in the toilet bowls. This year, somebody threw a Banquet frozen entree box and a hemorrhoidal suppository box into the johnnypots.

The portable restrooms for Oktoberfest are owned by Rumpke, a waste disposal company. I bet Rumpke is FURIOUS at Cincinnati Bell for moving the annual deliveries of the new phone books to September (as opposed to June like they used to be). Because guess what's happened at Ploptoberfest for each of the past couple years now? That's right, peeps! Somebody has thrown their old phone books in the toilets!

I don't know how people get away with plopping objects as big as phone books or pants. How do they smuggle them in there? You can't fit phone books in your pants pocket, so wouldn't it be suspicious to see somebody walking around all day carrying a phone book before getting a chance to plop it?

These ploppings have got to be wreaking havoc on Rumpke. Portable outhouses are cleaned by trucks that come along with a vacuum machine. They're not meant to handle anything except pee, poop, vomit, and toilet paper. Beer bottles, pants, and phone books WILL BREAK the machines.

I sure as hell hope no Oktoberfest revelers tried to fish the phone book and other items out of the toilets with their bare hands because they were worried about Rumpke's vacuum machines breaking. That would be, well, dumb. But it seems like every large group of people always has some fussy soul who has such disdain for things being out of place that they'll risk a hepatitis epidemic just to make sure a toilet is free from plopped items.

At last year's Oktoberfest, people kept stealing the life-sized cardboard cutouts of the Samuel Adams beer man. This year, I noticed they were taped to the trees to prevent theft. But people stole them anyway. They were all gone when it was still daylight.

Somebody also drew a Hitler mustache on one of the Sam Adams cutouts:

If Ploptoberfest this year wasn't ploppy, what is?

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Barbecue sauce ruins carpets

I've got a new story here about some high school mischief. Either somebody told me this story the other day, I dreamed it, or I'm just so hopped up on my arthritis medication that I imagined it. Or maybe I just don't give a shit where I heard it.

Somebody recently smuggled an old, spoiled, half-full bottle of barbecue sauce into class. They cracked the bottle along the base and secretly placed it on a shelf in the classroom.

Now the funny part: The sauce began leaking out of the base of the bottle, onto the shelf, down the front of the cabinet, and all over the carpeting. When it began leaking, the teacher already had all the students gathered at a nearby table, and her back was turned to the mess. She couldn't figure out why the kids were snickering.

Best of all, the spoiled barbecue sauce began to stink.

Stinking up the classroom with spoiled condiments is a great way to force class to be held outside on nice days.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

The Last Word's Back-to-School issue!

Sometimes funny - but sometimes deadly serious. That's The Last Word, your road atlas to freedom - which I've published since 1993.

Now the Back-to-School edition of The Last Word is finally out, and it's a beaut. You'll find these fresh new articles about student issues to be quite informative...


Everything from school uniforms to student court battles to silly Amazon meltdowns is covered in our latest issue!

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Wikipedia got vandalized

I was born too early to enjoy Wikipedia to its full potential. But kids today have handy access to this veritable online library from their school's computer lab.

And it shows. They vandalize it daily on school time and using school computers.

Just recently, somebody vandalized the Wikipedia entry on potato chips by adding this wordy observation:

"I <3 POTATO CHIPS!!!!!!!!!!"

They also added this factoid to Wikipedia's article on bubble gum:


Bubble gum is for chewing? I thought it was for sticking over the faucets of the sinks in the restroom so the water shoots out horizontally and makes it look like the next person who uses the sink pissed their pants. At least that's what somebody did at Brossart.

It gets funnier. On that user's talk page, somebody wrote:

"Everyone is welcome to make constructive contributions to Wikipedia, but at least one of your recent edits, such as the one you made to Bubblegum, did not appear to be constructive and has been automatically reverted (undone) by ClueBot NG."

Maybe it didn't appear to be constructive. But it was.

Friday, September 9, 2011

A McDonald's floor got peed on

How can a 38-year-old man write a school hijinks blog? The "why" of it simple: I'm doing it because nobody else seems to have one, so I have no competition. But the "how" of it is tougher.

What I'm really doing is showing solidarity with today's students. I expect this blog to be viable largely by coasting on my past glories. I'm not in school, but I'm a part of school. I'm in effect an outside agitator to America's broken education system. This is my second adolescence.

And these vignettes aren't limited to describing what goes on at school or school functions. On Tuesday, for instance, I stopped by the McDonald's in Finneytown to use the latrine. Some guy was monopolizing the stall in the bathroom - and rapping the entire time. But I did notice that somebody had peed all over the floor in front of the urinal.

These days, it's actually news if a public restroom doesn't have urine all over the floor. Funny, I know. Public bathrooms have pee all over the floor a vast majority of the time. But the story never gets old, because you can tell it so many different ways and always elicit a grin or three. That's what keeps people coming back to me. I'll never become a has-been, because I can keep a story fresh. I bet you didn't expect the part about the man rapping in the stall, did you?

That's why I'm considered brand-name talent.

Monday, September 5, 2011

Fascist rules are made to be broken!

Central to this blog is the dictum that rules (especially stupid ones) are sometimes crying out to be broken! And today, your Uncle Tim is gonna teach you how to stand up for your rights at school.

Despite the rain, I went to Riverfest last night to peep the annual fireworks. It's a Cincinnati tradition. And it's also a tradition for me to break one of Riverfest's most idiotic rules. Since sometime in the mid-'90s, this public street festival has prohibited revelers from bringing in any beverages. This is so vendors at the event can Make Money. Authorities have even enforced this Allowed Cloud by dumping out baby bottles.

But I always smuggle in a bottle of sodie-pop in my pants pocket for myself to enjoy.

Last night, I opted to be a Pepper. I stowed a full 24-ounce bottle of Dr Pepper safely in my deep jeans pocket. As usual, I walked right past the police, and when I got inside the festival area, I extracted the soda bottle and began guzzling from it.

A dumb rule rested in tatters!

And that's how you fight school uniforms. Unless of course you have the misfortune of attending a private school, in which case you're up Bunk Gas Creek. Then again, private schools probably don't allow you to read this dangerous blog even on your own time, so that point may be moot. If you go to a public school that requires a uniform, just ignore the dress code. Let them do their worst to enforce it. When push comes to shove, they can't.

I know from experience that blind compliance doesn't work.

Also at Riverfest, my allergies cleared up. If you've read my work long enough, I think you know why.

Wouldn't you like to be a Pepper too?

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Another toilet paper fire!

Some kid got ARRESTED at school yesterday for setting toilet paper on fire!

It happened at a high school in Salina, Kansas. But the fire wasn't in the bathroom. It was right there in the classroom for the whole wide world to ogle (beep)! It was discovered when other peeps saw smoke coming from under a computer table.

Toilet paper fires. Brings back memories of Brossart, doesn't it?

The humiliation heard 'round the world

Yesterday morning, I dished out the humiliation heard around the world - or at least around northern Kentucky.

This blog is potentially profitable because some people think we're still back in middle school. Arrested development was the local sport for quite some time. So I might as well take advantage of it.

A few days ago, somebody claiming to be a former schoolmate posted a "review" full of scurrilous lies about me on the Amazon page for one of my books, 'The Fight That Never Ends'. I'm 99% sure it's the same idiot who posted similar garbage on that site 6 years ago when the volume came out. When the first attack occurred, it took all of 5 minutes to figure out who was behind it. I still don't think she knows that I know.

The obsessed, lifeless moron who I believe posted it was someone I went to school with and haven't seen in 26 years, when we were in 7th grade. Talk about a fabulously insane grudge!

When I discovered this bogus "review", I complained to Amazon to get it removed.

Here's the best part: Amazon removed it.


First, the Republicans' gubernatorial campaign started crashing down. And now this. Damn but life is good these days!

TNT: the magic returns!

TNT was a legend in its own time!

TNT - which stood for Teachers 'n' Toilets - was a project I had on Cincinnati computer bulletin board systems during my teenage years in the late '80s and early '90s. TNT was an uproarious personal diary of high school mischief. Yes, I was blogging before blogging was cool!

But what law says it has to stop when you throw your mortarboard in the air? Immaturity pays.

After a 19-year hiatus, I now attempt to bring back the magic of old with this new incarnation of TNT! Today, TNT means Textbooks 'n' Toilets. Not Textbooks in Toilets (though it could just as easily stand for that), but Textbooks 'n' Toilets. It's only a slight shift in focus from the TNT you remember from your mullet-crowned youth.

Think it can't be done today? Well, didn't you say the same about The Last Word and the 2 books I have under my belt?

TNT. It's dynamite!