Thursday, September 29, 2011


Ladies and gentlemen, high school students of all ages, are you ready for more laughs?

It's Cincinnati's Oktoberfest - but we call it Ploptoberfest because the toilets get clogged every single year, without fail. It took place again a couple weeks ago, but it was so damn ploppy that we have to keep the hilarity on the frontburner.

In past years, people have thrown pants and beer bottles in the toilet bowls. This year, somebody threw a Banquet frozen entree box and a hemorrhoidal suppository box into the johnnypots.

The portable restrooms for Oktoberfest are owned by Rumpke, a waste disposal company. I bet Rumpke is FURIOUS at Cincinnati Bell for moving the annual deliveries of the new phone books to September (as opposed to June like they used to be). Because guess what's happened at Ploptoberfest for each of the past couple years now? That's right, peeps! Somebody has thrown their old phone books in the toilets!

I don't know how people get away with plopping objects as big as phone books or pants. How do they smuggle them in there? You can't fit phone books in your pants pocket, so wouldn't it be suspicious to see somebody walking around all day carrying a phone book before getting a chance to plop it?

These ploppings have got to be wreaking havoc on Rumpke. Portable outhouses are cleaned by trucks that come along with a vacuum machine. They're not meant to handle anything except pee, poop, vomit, and toilet paper. Beer bottles, pants, and phone books WILL BREAK the machines.

I sure as hell hope no Oktoberfest revelers tried to fish the phone book and other items out of the toilets with their bare hands because they were worried about Rumpke's vacuum machines breaking. That would be, well, dumb. But it seems like every large group of people always has some fussy soul who has such disdain for things being out of place that they'll risk a hepatitis epidemic just to make sure a toilet is free from plopped items.

At last year's Oktoberfest, people kept stealing the life-sized cardboard cutouts of the Samuel Adams beer man. This year, I noticed they were taped to the trees to prevent theft. But people stole them anyway. They were all gone when it was still daylight.

Somebody also drew a Hitler mustache on one of the Sam Adams cutouts:

If Ploptoberfest this year wasn't ploppy, what is?

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